You’re in a relationship that seems to be going well. You’ve built trust, respect each other’s boundaries, and have open communication. Despite having the traits of a healthy relationship, you’re worried about your partner leaving you. You might ask yourself questions like, Is my partner cheating on me? Do I love my partner enough? Am I attractive enough for them? What if we fall out of love? What if I end up alone forever?
To a certain extent, it’s normal to have a bit of anxiety about your relationship. However, that anxiety can become concerning if you’re having obsessive thoughts about it—which could be a sign of relationship anxiety or a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) known as relationship OCD (ROCD).
Having recurring anxiety about your relationship? Work with an OCD specialist to address your fears. Book a free call to learn more.
Why do I think my partner is going to leave me?
Your fear of being broken up with can stem from a few things. According to Taylor Newendrop, MA, LCPC, Network Clinical Training Director at NOCD, you may have these fears if:
- Your partner has expressed their ongoing frustration and discontent with the relationship.
- You and your partner constantly argue without any resolution.
- Your partner says they’d be better off with someone else.
- Your partner has already attempted to break up with you.
- Your partner joins dating websites.
- Your partner is pushing for an “open” relationship that you’re not comfortable with.
- Your partner is going out more often and won’t say who they’re with.
These are all very rational concerns and, as Newendorp notes, signs of an unhealthy relationship.
But what if you’re in a good relationship where your partner is clearly devoted to you? In these situations, your fear may be tied to relationship anxiety.
Relationship anxiety is an anxiety disorder that involves constant worrying, overthinking, and nervousness about your relationship. You may constantly seek reassurance that your relationship is not ending, such as asking if your partner still wants to be with you.
Relationship anxiety is a very common condition that many experience at the beginning of a new relationship. However, if you’re having recurring fears about your partner leaving, it could be a sign of a bigger issue.
Are my fears a sign of relationship OCD?
OCD could be a potential cause for your relationship fears. Obsessive compulsive disorder can crop up in any part of your life—including your romantic relationships. Relationship OCD (ROCD), in particular, is an OCD subtype that can affect how you view your relationship.
According to Newendorp, you may be experiencing ROCD if “you’re not observing any unhealthy behaviors in your partner. The relationship is objectively considered to be healthy, but you’re still having intrusive doubts and fears that your partner might leave you.”
ROCD can cause obsessions or intrusive thoughts, images, urges, and feelings, such as concerns that your relationship is on the fence. You may perform compulsions in return, which are repetitive mental or physical behaviors to get rid of the fear and anxiety caused by the obsessions or to stop something awful from occurring.
Newendrop provides the following examples of ROCD compulsions tied to this fear of someone leaving you:
- Excessively seeking reassurance from your partner that everything is okay.
- Mentally reviewing past conversations and interactions with your partner to see if they ever mentioned leaving you.
- Excessively reading articles or listening to podcasts about signs that your partner is leaving you.
- Compulsively checking your partner’s phone for any “suspicious” calls or texts.
- Accusing your partner of wanting to leave.
- Repeatedly seeking reassurance from friends and family.
- Overanalyzing everything your partner says and does to figure out if they’re leaving.
Doing these types of compulsions can not only affect your relationship, but can worsen your OCD symptoms. “The more you do all these compulsions, the worse your anxiety will get,” says Newendorp.
How can I overcome my fears about my relationship?
In order to put your fear of abandonment to rest, you need to know why they’re occurring in the first place. “It really depends on you, the relationship, and whether or not you have OCD,” says Newendorp. “Without OCD, you can use logic and reason to trust that your partner is content and not planning to leave unless they say so. You can recognize that you are in a healthy, happy relationship and those fears are not warranted.”
To determine what’s causing your relationship fears, you can identify your triggers (e.g., previous partner cheating, your attachment style, stress, a bad argument, etc.), ask someone you trust for feedback, and get professional help if necessary. From there, you can take the next steps in overcoming your fear of someone leaving you.
When to seek help for relationship fears
If you think your fears are tied to relationship anxiety, and there’s no OCD in the picture, you can learn how to not be afraid of your partner leaving by practicing mindfulness, improving communication between your partner, and possibly seeking couples counseling to address any relationship issues.
However, if you’re constantly obsessing over your relationship, you may want to consider therapy. Exposure and response prevention (ERP) is the gold standard treatment that helps people with ROCD (or any type of OCD) break the cycle of obsessions and compulsions. ERP is backed by decades of research supporting its effectiveness in reducing symptoms of OCD.
“OCD can override logic and reason, so when you aren’t able to rationally think through things to recognize that the fears are overblown, we recommend doing ERP to focus on reducing and resisting the compulsions you’re doing that are making your symptoms worse,” says Newendrop.
ERP involves a licensed therapist guiding you through exposures or scenarios that trigger your intrusive thoughts. Your therapist will then teach you response prevention techniques, which are exercises that help you resist responding to your obsessions with compulsions.
Below are some ERP therapy exercises you might do to reduce your fears about your relationship:
- Refrain from texting your partner for up to an hour, a day, or even a week.
- Put on your least favorite outfit before seeing your partner.
- Write down worst-case scenarios to embrace the uncertainty of the possibility of your partner leaving you.
- Read articles or material about breakups.
- Imagine living without a partner.
In some cases, ERP may also be used to treat symptoms of severe relationship anxiety. You’d do the same exercises to overcome your persistent worry about your relationship.
While ERP may seem intimidating at first, if you stay consistent with your sessions and do your therapy homework, you can see a significant change in your ROCD or relationship anxiety symptoms and reduce your fears about your relationship.
Constantly worrying that your partner will leave you can put a strain on your relationship. Regardless of whether you have relationship anxiety or ROCD, know that it’s possible to overcome or manage your fears and focus on all the good things happening in your relationship.