If you’re an avid social media user, you may have come across the term “comphet” on your feed. On TikTok, videos using #comphet have collected over 100 million views. Often, wading through conversations about comphet—short for “compulsory heterosexuality”—leads to more confusion than clarity, which can be especially frustrating if you’re someone who is trying to make sense of your own thoughts about your sexuality or sexual orientation.
To give you a quick rundown, comphet is a theory that describes the pressure people may feel to conform to heterosexual norms, because failing to adhere to them is deemed abnormal, deviant, and, in most cases, not even an option.
So, without further ado, let’s dig a bit deeper into comphet and take a look at sexual orientation OCD (SO-OCD), a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder that some might mistake for comphet.
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What is comphet?
Compulsory heterosexuality, or comphet, is the idea that there’s an implicit pressure for people who don’t identify as straight to conform to heterosexual norms and behaviors. These pressures are typically ingrained from birth.
Feminist poet Adrienne Rich originally coined the term “comphet” in her 1980 essay, “Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence.” According to Rich, comphet is a concept where people feel they must identify as straight despite aligning with a different sexual orientation.
Rich’s theory originally focused on women and people assigned female at birth (AFAB) who identify as lesbian. Rich’s reasoning was that comphet exists because men can benefit from male-female relationships, while women can benefit more from same-sex relationships. However, this issue can affect anyone, regardless of their gender identity or sexuality, so it has been recently adjusted to be more inclusive.
Compulsory heterosexuality regained popularity in 2018 when Tumblr user Angeli Luz published a 30-page document known as “The Lesbian Masterdoc.” It’s a tool of self-reflection for women questioning their sexual identities, born out of Luz’s own experience having to distinguish between sexual orientation and societal conditioning. The Masterdoc contains a section called “Attraction Vs. Compulsory Heterosexuality,” which aims to help people understand when they may have ruled out the possibility that they could be queer because of societal expectations.
Signs of comphet
Comphet can look different for everyone, as it can vary depending on your gender identity and sexuality. However, one theme that remains constant is the conflicted feelings about your sexual orientation.
Below are signs of compulsory heterosexuality:
- You’ve picked an opposite-gender crush because you know that’s what you’re “supposed” to do.
- You’re a woman who has talked yourself out of romantic feelings towards a person who is not a straight, cis man because you think queerness is unlikely or abnormal.
- You’ve felt resentful toward people of sexual orientations other than straight because you follow the “rules” and believe that all people should conform.
- You’ve pursued an opposite-gender partner despite a lack of interest or desire, thinking maybe you just haven’t found “the right one” yet.
- You’ve felt worry or fear when your partner has had friendships with someone of the opposite sex—since two people of opposite genders are “bound to” have a physical and/or romantic attraction toward one another and could never be platonic.
Why is compulsory heterosexuality so controversial?
There’s a bit of controversy surrounding the comphet theory, as it fails to recognize people who identify as bisexual. “Some criticism of the original theory of comphet has suggested that it could contribute to the erasure of bisexual identities as well as identities outside the gender binary,” says Cassidy Dallas, LICSW, a queer therapist and educator who specializes in working with the LGBTQIA+ community.
Simply put, the original comphet theory seemingly implies that bisexual people are just gay, but they’re trying to fit into societal pressures by hanging on to their “false attraction” to the opposite gender. “More work has been done to see the specific ways comphet is oppressive to all of us in varying intensity,” including men or masculine people, says Dallas.
The comphet definition is now more inclusionary and acknowledges that it affects all people regardless of their gender identities and sexual orientation.
Am I dealing with comphet or OCD?
As a reminder, compulsory heterosexuality is created from societal pressures, and while it can make you self-reflect on your sexuality, it’s typically something most people aren’t excessively thinking about or obsessing over.
But if you’re having recurring intrusive thoughts about your sexuality, you might be experiencing a mental health condition known as sexual orientation OCD (also known as SO-OCD).
For a person with SO-OCD, “The rational part of the brain knows and is confident about what their sexual orientation is, but then the OCD part of the brain keeps producing all of these ongoing doubts, images, and urges,” explains Taylor Newendorp, MA, LCPC, Network Clinical Training Director at NOCD.
And it’s not the doubt or uncertainty itself that’s the problem—of course, many people can be comfortable questioning their sexuality for years, or happily accept that their sexual identity is fluid. Rather, SO-OCD arises if these questions and doubts feel distressing or difficult to accept. “It causes ongoing anxiety and distress about whether you’re out of touch with a core part of your identity that’s really important to you, and that uncertainty causes more anxiety, distress, and discomfort.”
SO-OCD symptoms vary for everyone, but for the most part, they all can cause distress. Here’s a look at the common obsessions and compulsions for this sexual OCD subtype.
Common SO-OCD obsessions
Obsessions are intrusive thoughts, images, urges, thoughts, and feelings tied to your sexuality or sexual orientation. For SO-OCD, this can include recurring questions and thoughts like:
- What if I’ve been in denial about my sexuality, and when I realize the truth, I blow up my life?
- Am I secretly in love with my best friend, or is this some kind of false attraction?
- Maybe I’ll always be questioning my sexuality and never be able to stop wondering.
Common SO-OCD compulsions
In addition to sexual obsessions, you may perform compulsions, which are repetitive mental or physical behaviors done to relieve distress from your obsessions or stop something bad from happening. Some examples of sexuality OCD compulsions include:
- Avoiding interactions with people of certain genders if being around them triggers your intrusive thoughts.
- Compulsive dating for the sake of proving to yourself that you have the “right” sexual orientation.
- Seeking reassurance from others about your sexual history and preferences.
So, how would you know if you’re dealing with compulsory heterosexuality or sexual orientation OCD? According to Tracie Zinman-Ibrahim, MA, LMFT, CST, Chief Compliance Officer at NOCD, the main difference between the two is that OCD obsessions and compulsions are very specific and have a sense of urgency. SO-OCD can make you so concerned about confirming your sexuality that you believe you need to find the answer immediately.
In many cases, people with SO-OCD aren’t really worried about their sexuality, but the uncertainties and doubts they have surrounding it can bring a lot of distress. They might say, “‘I don’t care if I’m gay or straight—I just want to know for sure,’” says Zinman-Ibrahim.
“It feels a bit different to be worried about comphet and to be consumed by the fear of getting my sexuality wrong,” writes Reddit user pr15m4. “I literally knew that I have been at least bisexual/pansexual for ages whilst only having had relationships with cis men (I am F). Now that I am single, my brain makes me think that it’s ‘super important to figure out RIGHT NOW who I want to date.’ Basically my OCD is telling me I need to urgently make a decision and reach a final and 100% certain conclusion.”
How to get support for comphet or SO-OCD
Compulsory heterosexuality and SO-OCD are vastly different situations, with one being a societal construct while the other is a mental health condition. Therefore, you’ll want to take different approaches when seeking help for either issue.
When it comes to comphet, if it’s causing distress, you might want to talk to someone about it. You can talk to a friend or family member you trust, or reach out to a mental health professional to discuss your concerns. If you plan to work with a new therapist, it’s appropriate (and recommended) to ask them if they have experience working with LGBTQIA+ communities.
Comphet can be exhausting and isolating—here are a few tips for self-care:
- Remember self-compassion. Comphet isn’t something that is your fault—it’s a force that has been placed on queer people by society.
- Educate yourself. Through reliable resources, you may gain a better understanding of comphet’s influence and how you can remove it from your own life. Check out The Trevor Project’s resource center or watch this YouTube video, “Ask a Therapist: What is Compulsory Heterosexuality?” created by Kelly R. Minter.
- Seek out media with diverse representation. Read books and watch TV/movies that center queer characters. Listen to music by queer artists. Media representation can be inspiring and help us broaden our conception of “the norm.”
- Engage with queer-affirming spaces and events. Having more LGTBQIA+ people in your life can help you feel more connected to the community and less tied to comphet. “Getting to live as our authentic selves and having space to understand ourselves makes us healthier and happier,” says Dallas.
Find the right OCD therapist for you
All our therapists are licensed and trained in exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP), the gold standard treatment for OCD.
Exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy for for SO-OCD
If you believe SO-OCD is the cause of the conflict surrounding your sexual orientation, know that recovery is possible with a treatment known as exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy. ERP is the gold standard treatment for all OCD subtypes and is more effective than other therapies, like traditional cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
“With ERP, the main thing we’re going to target and work on are the compulsions,” says Newendorp. “We want to have a really clear idea for when you’re having that obsessive fear and feeling anxious and what you do to alleviate that anxiety.”
This specialized therapy involves two components: exposures and response prevention techniques. A licensed ERP therapist will gradually expose you to what triggers your obsessions—such as a picture of a queer couple or an article about lesbians—and then teach you response prevention techniques. This helps you refrain from performing a compulsion in response to your triggers.
“The more you resist your compulsions, the more the anxiety around it actually fades, so you don’t have to be making all these efforts to try and get rid of that unwanted feeling,” says Newendorp.
Dealing with compulsory heterosexuality or sexual orientation OCD can make it much more challenging to live in your truth, but know that you don’t have to feel ashamed of your sexuality. If comphet is causing distress, connect with a therapist who can help you learn to overcome these societal norms. As for SO-OCD, your best bet for preventing sexually intrusive thoughts from taking over your life is by working with a licensed therapist specializing in ERP.