Lately, there’s been some pretty controversial chatter on social media about whether people with OCD should choose a partner without mental health issues in their genes, so that their kids will be less likely to develop the condition.
This is nonsense. (Keep reading. I’ll explain.)
But as someone with OCD, I do understand the concerns and questions you might have.
“What if my OCD impacts my child?”
“What if my kid gets OCD?”
“Does having OCD mean I shouldn’t have children at all?”
I’ve had these questions myself, and I’ve heard them come up often in the support groups I have facilitated as NOCD’s Community Engagement and Growth Specialist. When you know firsthand how drastically OCD can impact your quality of life, it can be hard to imagine a future with children. Will your OCD negatively affect them? Or will they develop OCD and experience how debilitating it can be? Who would want that for their kids?
These are valid concerns, but you should know that OCD doesn’t have to take away anything that’s important to you, including parenthood. Let’s look at what the latest research really shows, and get expert insight from Patrick McGrath, PhD, NOCD’s Chief Clinical Officer.
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What does the science say?
Overall, the science about passing OCD to your kids is still pretty unclear. There does appear to be an increased risk of developing OCD if you have a relative in your immediate family who has it. However, researchers are still parsing out how much of this is due to environmental factors (such as trauma) versus biological ones. In other words, there is no way to know if your child could develop OCD—whether you or their other parent has it or not.
“The notion that if we have a condition we should only date, marry, or have a family with people who are ‘better’ than us genetically is regressive thinking, because even two parents who have ‘great genes’ can still have children with varying medical conditions,” says Dr. McGrath.
There is not a yes or no answer here, and I know that uncertainty can be tough to accept, particularly when you have OCD. But this is an opportunity to practice something that Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy teaches us: to acknowledge discomfort and uncertainty while continuing to live your life according to your values.
What if my kid does get OCD?
OCD isn’t something you’d wish on your worst enemy—so the idea of your child getting it is bound to cause a lot of anxiety. While there’s no way to prevent your kid from inheriting OCD, let’s play a thought experiment and imagine that they do. Their experience won’t be the same as your experience.
Here’s what I mean by that: First, the science keeps getting better and better. There is continuous research being done on OCD treatment. Who knows what we will discover in five, 10, or 20 years time. So if your child develops OCD, their treatment journey is likely to be way different from what you went through.
Plus, there’s been a big shift in public awareness about OCD. And that means general misinformation about the condition is less widespread. There are more books, social media pages, and podcasts spreading accurate information—and all of these positive steps mean that earlier intervention is getting much more likely.
But most importantly, if a child with OCD has a parent with the condition and knows the signs, symptoms, and resources for OCD, that’s pretty much as good as it gets! That level of understanding, lack of shame, and access to help goes a long way in setting people up to successfully conquer OCD.
It’s crucial to find a therapist who is skilled at specifically treating OCD, and a parent who knows how to properly navigate the disorder can guide the process properly and effectively. What may have taken you years to figure out—in terms of finding the right therapy—likely won’t happen with your kid.
Will my OCD impact my child?
The truth is that your mental health might affect them in some way—just like any struggle in your life—but it doesn’t necessarily have to be a negative. Can you think of something hard someone you loved faced in a way you admire? Maybe it informed the way you moved through future struggles. Maybe it taught you resiliency and strength. Your kid might be able to observe these things in you and be better for it.
“Here’s what I would tell you to do if you are a parent with OCD: Don’t trust any parenting advice from your OCD,” says Dr. McGrath. “If you listen to what OCD tells you to do, there will likely be problems. So work with a therapist who can help you remove the influence of OCD from your parenting. Having a child is not the problem—OCD is. And there is amazing treatment out there for you to help limit the influence of OCD on your life and your family.”
Having a child is not the problem—OCD is. And there is amazing treatment out there for you to help limit the influence of OCD on your life and your family.
Dr. Patrick McGrath
That said, you can’t protect your kid from everything. There will be days you mess up. There might be days your OCD is loud, and they observe the effects of that on you. But the reality is that there is no such thing as a perfect parent—OCD or not.
So much of parenting is about taking leaps of faith. You have to know that the world is a risky place that you could never fully shield your kid from, and that you are an imperfect human navigating it. This means accepting that there are things you get to change or impact, and others that you can’t.
For example, you get to use the tools you’ve learned—with the help of your therapist—to navigate OCD and reduce its control over your life. You also get to determine how you talk to your children about mental health, and the resources you equip them with.
How do I know if having kids is a risk worth taking?
You can’t. There’s always uncertainty. But that is no more true for you than of any other parent. We cannot forget that despite all the risk, there’s also immense value in parenthood. How do I know? Because humans keep doing it. Because you exist.
There’s so much love, fulfillment and personal growth that’s possible with kids in the picture.
No matter what you decide, “No one should feel blame or shame for having a child. Period,” says Dr. McGrath. “And if that child has any type of condition—including OCD—there is also no blame in that either.”
I know many parents with OCD, including some of my coworkers here at NOCD. I truly believe that their kids are immensely lucky to have them. You alone deserve to make decisions about the family and lifestyle you want, not OCD or anyone else.
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