Finding out your child has a mental health condition like obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can weigh heavily on the heart of any parent or caregiver. It can be confusing and overwhelming, especially if you know little about this disorder and the reality of it. You may even feel guilty, angry, or upset. On the other hand, you might also feel relieved to finally have a correct diagnosis—and be hopeful for the future.
But however you feel, there’s one thing you’re probably wondering: What does my child need from me? How can I help?
As a mother of three amazing children, two of whom have been diagnosed with OCD, I’ve been where you are right now. Despite living with OCD since childhood and treating it professionally as an OCD-specialty therapist, I still felt unprepared when it came to my own children suffering from the condition.
Raising kids with OCD has been a learning experience for me in a way that’s different from any parenting book, or even from my career as a therapist. And when it comes to what our children with OCD need from us, here’s what I’ve taken away from it.
What every child with OCD needs
1. They need you to learn what OCD really is—and teach others.
The first step in supporting your child is making sure that you understand OCD. Take the time to educate yourself about what OCD really is, including its various subtypes, how the OCD cycle works, and most importantly, how OCD is treated. The more you know, the better equipped you’ll be to help your child navigate their struggles.
Educating yourself also equips you to help teachers, relatives, and friends, who may have misconceptions about OCD, develop a better understanding of the condition and how it affects your child. By spreading accurate information, you can encourage empathy and appropriate responses from those around your child. This shared understanding can make a world of difference in your child’s experience at home, school, and in social settings.
2. They need your help getting effective treatment.
OCD is a serious condition that can become debilitating if left untreated. Getting your child the right care can make a significant difference in their ability to manage their symptoms and improve their quality of life. The best way to do this is to find a therapist who specializes in treating OCD and is trained in exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, the gold-standard treatment.
After finding an OCD specialist, you’ll want to continue being an active participant in your child’s treatment process. This might include attending therapy sessions with your child, working with their therapist to understand the treatment plan, and supporting your child as they practice their ERP exercises. Your involvement in the treatment process means a lot, as it shows your child that they don’t have to face OCD alone.
3. They need you to advocate for them at school.
School can be a challenging environment for any child, but OCD can add additional difficulties. As a parent or caregiver, it will be important to advocate for your child’s needs within the school system, as they will typically be unable to do so on their own. This may involve educating teachers and school counselors about your child’s specific needs, and developing a game plan for what to do if OCD “comes to school with your child,” so to speak.
If your child’s ERP therapy treatment plan involves doing exposures at school, their teachers may need to be made aware of this, particularly if there’s a specific way that they are supposed to respond. Open communication with the school can help prevent misunderstandings and ensure that your child feels supported.
4. They need your empathy.
As stressful and confusing as it can be to watch your child struggle with OCD, try to remember just how hard it must feel for them. Imagine yourself dealing with a debilitating condition as a young child. How would you feel? What would you need? Your empathy is one of the most powerful forms of support you can offer.
Sometimes, children can hide their thoughts and emotions, or struggle to articulate them. Listening to your child without judgment and acknowledging their feelings can help them feel understood and less isolated in their struggles. By validating their experiences, you create a safe space for them to express their worries and fears.
5. They need to know you’re on their team.
Let your child know that they are not alone and that you will be by their side during every step of this journey. When your child knows they have your unconditional support, they can feel more confident in facing the challenges of OCD. This involves not just providing emotional support, but actively participating in treatment and learning to encourage your child without enabling their compulsions, even though this may be an adjustment at first.
A large part of your encouragement is going to be helping your child speak the unspeakable—or in other words, put into words the things that they find terrifying. Sharing stories of what other people with OCD have experienced can help with this, providing a point of reference that may give your child the courage to open up about their own thoughts and feelings.
6. They need to be reminded they are not their OCD.
Children who suffer from OCD are more likely to internalize their thoughts and feelings as part of their self-concept because of their lack of insight into what is happening, particularly at younger ages. This can make it hard for them to separate their identity from the disorder. It’s important to remind your child that they are so much more than their OCD, and to reinforce that their worth is not defined by this condition.
Engage your child in talking about their thoughts and emotions and help them understand what is going on within their brains. They will need to be taught the inner workings of OCD and how to separate who they are from it. Some kids find it helpful to externalize the OCD by giving it a name. This can help children recognize that OCD is something outside of themselves.
And when your child talks about their thoughts and feelings, don’t underestimate the power of your non-judgmental, validating response. They need to know that they will be loved by you no matter how scary their thoughts and feelings get. OCD will try to convince them that they are “bad” and “unlovable,” so you cannot show them enough that this is just not the case.
7. They need you to avoid reassuring them.
I can remember my son frequently “checking in” with me to see if a certain thought or feeling he had was “okay.” As a parent, I wanted to reassure him immediately and tell him what a kind and thoughtful boy he was. But as a therapist, I knew that even though it seemed like a natural response, reassuring my son would actually worsen his OCD.
Instead of providing reassurance, I needed to help my son learn to recognize his OCD thoughts and sit through the discomfort he was feeling. This can be difficult, especially when you see your child in distress, but it’s an incredibly important part of helping them learn to manage OCD. By resisting the urge to reassure, you’re helping your child build confidence in their ability to tolerate discomfort and pursue the things they care about in spite of it.
8. They need their family members to practice self-care.
OCD doesn’t just affect the person who has it; it impacts their entire family unit. A child’s siblings, parents, and other relatives may all be significantly affected in different ways, which is why it’s so important that all family members practice self-care to avoid burnout. When loved ones are taking care of their own mental and physical health, they’re better equipped to support your child.
As a parent or caregiver, it’s especially important to seek out support for yourself, whether that’s through therapy, support groups, talking to friends and family, or taking time to engage in activities that you enjoy. Remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish—it’s necessary to be the strong, supportive parent your child needs as they navigate their OCD journey. And by modeling self-care, you’re also teaching your child the importance of looking after their own well-being.
9. They need their family to participate in treatment alongside them.
Family involvement in OCD treatment can help everyone develop a better understanding of OCD, and learn how to effectively respond to OCD-related behaviors like reassurance-seeking. This collective effort can create a stronger support system for your child, strengthen relationships, and reduce the isolation your child may feel.
It’s important to approach the treatment process as a team effort, where everyone’s role is valued and contributes to your child’s progress. As you all come together to battle a common enemy—the OCD—the pressure will be taken off of your child. They can learn to recognize OCD for what it is and, with your help and guidance, live a life based on their values and not on their fears.
Remember that your child is not their OCD, and getting better is possible. Our licensed therapists deeply understand OCD and receive comprehensive training in treating OCD with ERP therapy, including specific training in treating children and teens. We work side-by-side with the OCD experts and researchers who designed some of the world’s top OCD treatment programs, ensuring the best care for our members.
We also offer support group sessions for parents, caregivers, and loved ones, which can help you learn ways to support your child as they work to manage their symptoms. You can book a free 15-minute call with our team to learn more about your child getting matched with one of our therapists, starting OCD treatment, and participating in our family support sessions.