Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is difficult to manage on its own, but it becomes especially challenging if you’re a parent. How do you raise children when it feels like a part of your brain is constantly scanning for danger? What do you do when you’re caring for your child, but you can’t get an intrusive thought out of your head?
Some parents describe these experiences as part of “parenting OCD,” which can involve obsessing over their child’s care and constantly worrying if something has happened to them. If you have OCD, you might think that it’s impossible to be a good parent and have this condition, but that’s completely false. You can still be a loving and caring parent to your kids by learning how to take control of your OCD.
We sat down with Mackenzie Nordone, a mom with OCD, to get some helpful tips on parenting with OCD.
1. Know how changes in routine can be triggering
Because OCD seeks absolute certainty, changes in schedule during the summer can cause symptoms to flare up. “OCD doesn’t come in and say, ‘I’m going to leave you alone so you can spend some time with your family on summer break,’” says Nordone. “Instead, it’s like, ‘How can I get in here and just turn everything upside down?’”
When OCD-related fears start to creep in, she focuses on her personal values. “I try to remind myself to let my values be louder than my fears, because OCD likes to come in with all the what-ifs—especially around new things like a kid wanting to go to summer camp or to a new friend’s house to play,” says Nordone. “Our kids having a good time and making memories are things that I try to put to the forefront, as opposed to the what-ifs and the fears that come along with them.”
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2. Your symptoms don’t make you a bad parent
It’s normal for parents with OCD to feel guilty or worry that their symptoms make them a bad parent. Instead of feeling ashamed about your condition, focus on being more aware of how your symptoms affect your kids. Learning how to manage your symptoms—even if not perfectly—helps model resilience and self-care for your kids.
Just as you’d comfort another parent going through a difficult time, you deserve that same self-compassion. “I always tell everybody not to have that guilt or feel like a bad person or parent,” says Tracie Ibrahim, LMFT, CST, NOCD’s Chief Compliance Officer, and a mom living with OCD with two kids who also share the condition. She says that while it’s easy to show compassion to others and acknowledge their struggles, it’s essential to offer that same compassion to yourself.
Ibrahim says she has some regrets about how her contamination-related fears interfered with her parenting before treatment, but she understands that it was done out of love. “If there are things I didn’t let them do, or I cleaned them way too much, or didn’t take them to certain places, I don’t have to feel bad about that,” she says. “I can feel good knowing that at that moment, I didn’t realize how OCD was showing up, and I was just acting out of love.”
3. Don’t try to face it all alone
OCD is a very isolating condition, as it can be hard to share what you’re going through with others who don’t experience an endless cycle of intrusive thoughts and compulsions. While your partner, family members, and friends may provide support, it’s helpful to connect with others who also have OCD.
“Outside support is critical,” says Ibrahim. “It’s nice having people that understand it through the lens of being a parent with OCD that nobody else gets and feel validated.”
Nordone, who hosts a support group for parents with OCD, says sharing her story helps others feel less alone and more understood in their experiences. “OCD really thrives on making us feel isolated,” she says. “[Support groups] are a really cool way to connect and remind people that they’re not alone.”
NOCD Members have free access to a number of support groups, including groups for parents with OCD, strategies for self-compassion, and groups for specific subtypes of OCD.
While peer support groups are an excellent resource, it’s also important to seek out a therapist who specializes in exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy—the most effective treatment for OCD. They’ll work with you to gradually confront your fears head-on without resorting to compulsions, and help you navigate parenting while managing OCD.
Aside from support groups and therapy, many OCD resources, such as the NOCD app, offer tons of information on parenting with OCD and the opportunity to chat with other parents who understand what you’re going through.
4. Talk to your family about how they can support you
It’s common for families to unintentionally accommodate OCD. They may participate in rituals, offer reassurance, or adjust routines without realizing they’re feeding into your OCD. Take some time to educate your partner and family members about the best ways to support you without worsening your symptoms.
If you’re already in ERP therapy, consider inviting your loved ones to attend a session with you. “Letting our loved ones come and sit in on a therapy session was one of the most important things, because it educated my partner and my family members on how they could best support me,” says Nordone. “It’s learning the support we need versus the support our OCD wants.”
5. Remember self-care
As Nordone says, “you can’t pour from an empty cup,” which is why it’s so important to practice parental self-care to support your mental and physical well-being. “Make sure you do things for yourself, whether that’s planning a coffee date with a friend or going to the gym,” she says. “It’s not helpful if we’re drained for our kids, nor is it helpful for ourselves.”
6. What to do if your child also has OCD
If your child also has OCD, it’s important to engage in role modeling so they learn the best ways to handle their intrusive thoughts and compulsions from observing you, says Ibrahim. “Two of my three kids have OCD, and one has picked up very specific compulsions from me that I got from my grandmother, who raised me,” she says. “For the last 20 years, I’ve been trying to role model what I would want them to do.”
You also want to ensure you’re not providing accommodations or reassurance for their OCD. While you may want your child to feel better in the moment, what matters most is helping them feel better in the long run, explains Ibrahim. “If I say everything’s going to be okay right now and you feel good for 10 minutes, did I help you? No, I made your OCD worse,” she says.
If you haven’t already, make sure your child is also receiving ERP therapy to treat their OCD. A therapist can work with your child to break the cycle in a way that is most suitable for them. “I’m so amazed and inspired by how my daughter’s therapist has been able to take ERP and bring it down to a seven-year-old level to help her understand what’s going on in her mind and how to best help herself,” says Nordone.
While it can be heartbreaking to see your child face the same struggles as you, Nordone has found that her daughter can hold her accountable for when OCD creeps in and vice versa. “One of my favorite things lately is these moments where my OCD may or may not see through, and my daughter looks at me and says, ‘Mom, is that your worry monster?’” she says. “I now have this accountability partner who calls out my OCD.”
Bottom line
Parenting with OCD can be challenging, but not hopeless. With the right support, tools, and self-compassion, you can take care of your mental health and show up for your kids in the most meaningful ways.
Key takeaways:
- Parenting with OCD is challenging, but self-compassion and support can make a big difference.
- Be mindful of how your OCD symptoms affect your children, and model resilience in the way you manage them.
- If your child has OCD, work with a specialist and lead by example to help them break the cycle early.
