Fear of dating: Overcoming dating anxiety

First date jitters are common, even for the most seasoned daters. You’re meeting up with a new person who could potentially become a huge part of your life—that brings on a mixed bag of emotions, both good and bad. You may feel eager, nervous, stressed, scared, and hopeful, sometimes all at the same time. 

Experiencing a range of feelings is completely normal. After all, you’re opening yourself up to new possibilities, which is exciting, but also puts you in a vulnerable position. However, sometimes your mind gets stuck on the “what if” thoughts:

“What if I continue dating this person only to find out we’re not looking for the same thing?” 

“I just got out of a relationship; what if it’s too soon for me to get back out there?” 

“What if I don’t like this person and have to reject them—or what if they reject me?”

“What if there’s pressure to be intimate and I’m just not ready?”

“What if we have nothing in common and the awkwardness is palpable?”

Dating apps can lead to their own set of “what ifs”:

“What if I spend all this time swiping and I don’t match with the people I want to, or I’m not fulfilled with the interactions when I do meet people in real life?”

When dating apps don’t provide the satisfaction or the validation you need, that can feed into your fear and anxiety about dating.

What’s important to know is that sometimes the fear of dating is so severe that it’s a symptom of a bigger issue—like anxiety, a phobia, or something else. 

Keep reading to learn about possible causes for your dating anxiety—and how to overcome your trepidation. 

Are you spending a lot of time ruminating and obsessing over dating (or not dating)? Our specialized therapists can help. Book a free call.

What is dating anxiety?

Dating anxiety is not an official condition in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), but that doesn’t make it less real—or troublesome—for those who experience it. 

What separates run-of-the-mill dating jitters from dating anxiety is the severity of your symptoms, how long they last, and what triggers them. Did your worries just show up on the train ride to date? Or did they continue for weeks after the initial meeting? Are these thoughts consuming all of your time? If they appear to be chronic and unmanageable, and interfering with your life, that’s a good sign to find a mental health professional who can help you work through your anxiety.

For some people, the intensity of dating anxiety leads to avoidance—taking themselves out of the dating arena altogether. Others continue to date while experiencing debilitating anxiety, the kind that is sometimes accompanied by physical symptoms like a racing heart, sweaty palms, and upset stomach. Fears can be about anything, but are commonly centered on shame, rejection, and lack of worthiness. 

What causes dating anxiety? 

There’s no one reason someone develops dating anxiety. Maybe the fear of rejection is all-consuming. Or maybe you’re experiencing life events—like financial strain, health struggles, and family obligations—that make it difficult to show up to dates with ease. Here are some common themes:

• Your dating and relationship history: If you haven’t had good experiences in dating before, you may be naturally more apprehensive about meeting new partners.
• Fear of rejection or abandonment: If you fear being abandoned, you may feel intense anxiety about the idea of dating and ending up in a relationship—and the possibility that it might end one day. 
• Cultural or religious pressures: If you have internalized certain messages, such as the pressure to find the “right person,” you may be overwhelmed about dating. Likewise, if you feel you have no say in who you date, because of the expectations placed on you by your family or culture, dating can be terrifying.
• Body image issues: A negative body image involves holding yourself to unrealistic standards and ideals. In one study, nearly half of the people surveyed said they would call off a date if they weren’t feeling great about their body that day.

While dating anxiety can exist on its own, people who have anxiety about dating as a result of another mental health condition may feel it more intensely. Here are some of the issues that dating anxiety can be linked to:

• Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) involves a persistent worry or dread that can attach itself to anything and interfere with how you live your life. When it comes to dating, GAD can lead to a pattern of overthinking and obsessing.
• Panic disorder is when a person has recurrent panic attacks—sudden episodes of intense fear that leads to a severe physical reaction, often without any apparent trigger. It’s not uncommon for someone with panic disorder to feel embarrassed about their symptoms, which can make it challenging to open up to a new partner about their experience.
• Social anxiety disorder (SAD) includes symptoms of anxiety or fear in situations where a person believes they may be evaluated or judged by others, or might do something embarrassing. Dating and meeting new people may trigger a fear response for someone with SAD.
• Separation anxiety disorder is characterized by high levels of anxiety when certain people that you’ve formed an attachment to are out of reach. Those with the disorder may avoid dating as a way to sidestep this type of anxiety.
• Specific phobias such as philophobia—aka the fear of love—may lead to anxieties about becoming emotionally connected with another person. As a result, people may avoid dating to limit the chance of experiencing romantic love.
• Relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD) is a type of OCD that involves fears surrounding relationships. ROCD manifests differently for everyone, but can include the fear of dating, fear of being abandoned, fear of not being able to commit, or fear of being cheated on.

What to know about phobias and the fear of dating 

Philophobia is one phobia that can result in a fear of dating. But there are many specific phobias related to dating. They could be centered on forming emotional connections or even the physical acts associated with meeting a new potential love interest. Sometimes, you may experience more than one phobia at once. These include:

• Pistanthrophobia is the fear of trusting others. 
• Gamophobia is the fear of commitment or marriage.
• Genophobia, also known as coitophobia, is the fear of sexual intercourse specifically.  
• Erotophobia is a fear of any type of sexual activity, contact, or even sexual content, such  as nudity.
• Haphephobia is the fear of being touched and touching others.
• Philematophobia is the fear of kissing.

Keep in mind, specific phobias don’t necessarily even have to be related to love, sex, or relationships to impact your dating life. For example, maybe you have deipnophobia, the fear of eating in front of others, and that may lead you to avoid dating because you don’t want to be asked out to share a meal with someone.

For any fear to be considered a phobia, certain criteria must be met. For instance:

• You experience an intense, persistent fear and have had it for at least 6 months
• When triggers arise, your response is excessive and disproportionate to any actual danger
• You avoidance (say, of dating) interferes with your life
• Your fear is not a result of another mental disorder, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)

OCD and the fear of dating: What’s the connection?

OCD is characterized by two key symptoms: obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are repeated thoughts, urges, feelings, sensations and/or mental images that are intrusive, unwanted, and lead to distress. Compulsions are repetitive physical and/or mental behaviors that a person feels the urge to do in response to an obsession. A person’s obsessions and compulsions may center on a particular theme or content area often referred to as subtypes. While ROCD is one of them, dating with any type of OCD may present challenges.

For instance, someone with harm OCD, a common subtype that leads to intrusive thoughts about causing harm—to themselves or others—may have a fear of being around knives or sharp objects. As a result, any dinner date may be triggering. Likewise, someone with contamination OCD—which is focused on fear of germs and illness—may be worried about going on a date and being confronted with a kiss. Meanwhile, someone with sexual-orientation OCD, in which a person experiences intrusive thoughts that they might be of a different sexual orientation than they formerly believed, may also find it particularly challenging to go on dates.

Common obsessions related to the OCD fear of dating 

• Fear of being harmed while on a date, or causing harm your date
• “What if I keep dating the wrong person and waste years of my life?”
• Unwanted sexual fantasies about potential suitors
• “What if I start a relationship and they end up leaving me?”
• “What if I hit on someone and they think I’m sexually harassing them?”
• Fear of having a groinal response in response to unwanted thoughts
• Fear of unwanted outcomes, like experiencing rejection

Common compulsions related to the OCD fear of dating 

• Avoidance of dating
• Seeking reassurance that you acted “normally” on dates
• Sabotaging potential relationships
• Avoiding all forms of online dating
• Tapping or touching objects in a ritualistic way to ensure a date goes smoothly
• Distracting yourself when thoughts of dating arise
• Thought neutralization during dates to push unwanted urges or images away

How to overcome your fear of dating

A lot of times people fear dating because they want certainty—they want to know the outcome. “But there’s always going to be uncertainty,” says Tracie Zinman-Ibrahim, LMFT, CST, a therapist at NOCD. Instead of constantly trying to predict or control the outcome (even if your way of doing this is by avoiding dating altogether), Ibrahim recommends learning how to sit with uncertainty. 

It also helps to examine if your feelings about dating are being driven by others’ expectations. Sometimes simply acknowledging what’s holding you back can help you make a different decision. 

A simple mindset switch can also be helpful. Instead of asking yourself, “What could go wrong?” remind yourself of the dating experiences you intend and desire to have—you might imagine, “What could go right?” And this can include communicating your desires or boundaries to your date. Say, for example, that a dinner date feels more anxiety-producing than a walk, suggest grabbing an ice cream and taking a stroll together.

Of course, sometimes working with a therapist is necessary to help you move through any blocks. For instance, if you have low self-esteem, a negative body image, a difficult relationship history, or GAD, therapy can help you address the issue head-on.

And when specific phobias or OCD are at the root of your dating fears, exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy is an evidence-based treatment that is highly effective in helping people manage these conditions. 

ERP is unlike traditional talk therapy—there’s no analyzing and dissecting why you’re afraid of dating. Instead, you work with an ERP therapist to gradually expose yourself to your fears. The goal is to find new ways of responding to your obsessive fears—things that don’t involve compulsions or avoidance behaviors (like canceling dates at the last minute).

Ibrahim gives the example of an NOCD therapy member with an OCD-related fear of dating. One early exposure they worked on was building a dating profile together. “We’re not even turning it active on a dating site yet,” Ibrahim says. “Just the act of making a profile and then going along with the idea that at some point it’s going to go live is helping her face her fear of dating.”

Other exposures might include writing down a worse-case dating scenario, and yes—eventually—going on a date.

The takeaway

Dating and anxiety are often linked. After all, opening yourself up to others can feel scary. But if your anxiety is preventing you from obtaining the dating life you desire, you don’t have to suffer alone. Help is available.