Do I have relationship anxiety or is it a gut feeling?

Every relationship has complexities. No matter how much you love someone and how happy you are to be in a relationship with them, you both are two different people with two different minds. Some of the ways you think and feel are bound to be different, and that is okay. That’s why understanding each other and communicating your wants and needs is key to a healthy relationship. 

Despite what Hollywood often portrays, there’s no perfect partner who can read your mind and anticipate your every need exactly as you’d like. Real relationships take real work, and sometimes that can feel a little scary.

For example, some partners share the same values, but one person wants kids and the other doesn’t. Maybe one partner loves Christmas and likes to go all out during the holiday season but the other never used to celebrate and gets overwhelmed. One partner might be a morning person and the other a night owl. While these are all common differences that people deal with and work through, their commonality doesn’t make them any less stressful or anxiety inducing.

Navigating a relationship brings up lots of different feelings. You may find yourself asking questions like, “Is this really what I want? How do we know we will make it? What if they don’t love me as much later on?” It’s normal for these kinds of questions to pop up, especially in new relationships. But what if they become overwhelming and take over your day, nurturing avoidance and fear instead of love and positivity? 

Many people struggle with distinguishing emotions caused by relationship anxiety from their gut feelings. It can feel difficult to be sure about your relationship when you don’t know if the thoughts and emotions you are experiencing are intuition or anxiety. 

Luckily, there are ways to distinguish between the two. Learning the difference between your anxiety and your intuition can help you make informed, healthy decisions about your relationship and what is best for you and your partner’s growth. 

What is relationship anxiety?

Relationship anxiety is a persistent feeling of worry, fear, nervousness, or overthinking in a relationship, even if things are going well. It can stem from many things including experiences in past relationships, expectations, comparison to others, trauma, overthinking, fear of rejection and more. While it’s common in newer relationships, relationship anxiety doesn’t follow a specific time limit or pattern. It can occur at any point in the relationship whether things are going smoothly or not.

Some common manifestations of relationship anxiety include persistent overanalysis of every interaction, wondering if your partner actually loves you, fear of being left, and worry about loyalty and infidelity. These anxieties can cause coping behaviors that cause strain on the relationship, such as asking for constant reassurance, avoiding certain conversations, or becoming untrustful of your partner. 

Signs of relationship anxiety:

If you are wondering about having relationship anxiety, but aren’t sure of what signs to look for, here are a couple of things that may be indicative of the disorder, according to Dr. Patrick McGrath, Chief Clinical Officer at NOCD. One is if you’re constantly testing your partner and coming up with little things to argue about. Dr. McGrath explains you might get to a point where your partner reassures you not to worry and it might feel good for a moment, but then you will start thinking to yourself “Yeah, but did they really mean it? And what if I wasn’t harsh enough on them?”

Another sign is constant comparison, says Dr. McGrath. “You might look at your neighbors and notice that they seem to hold hands more than you and your partner. It might make you wonder, ‘Does that mean they love each other more than we do? And therefore, ‘Maybe we’re not quite right for each other.’”

Relationship anxiety vs relationship OCD

It is important to note that if relationship anxiety is not managed and treated it can sometimes develop into relationship OCD. Relationship OCD, or ROCD, is a condition where people struggle with obsessions in the forms of thoughts, fears, and images that relate to their relationship. They then try to find relief from these troubling thoughts or feelings by performing physical or mental compulsions, which are actions that temporarily ease the anxiety associated with the obsessions. This becomes a cycle, which ultimately makes the relationship more difficult to navigate for both parties involved.

ROCD differs from relationship anxiety in that the negative thoughts and feelings cause compulsions. For example, say you hug a friend outside of your romantic relationship. Because this friend is generally considered attractive, you start to fear that you cheated on your partner just by hugging. As a result, you never hug any friends again and avoid that one friend in particular.

Now, if the same thing happened to someone with relationship anxiety, they wouldn’t have a compulsion like never hugging a friend again, but they would think about what they did, what it meant, and how it could potentially negatively affect their relationship. 

What is a gut feeling?

Gut feelings are typically your intuition telling you something. It’s almost like an inner voice that lets you know if something feels right or wrong. This can manifest as an immediate sense of knowing something, whether it’s backed up logically or not. 

Gut feelings can function as alarm bells that point out something you might be uncomfortable with, or reassure you that something is good for you and okay. While you shouldn’t rely solely on gut feelings to make your decisions, they can serve as signals to help navigate certain dynamics and situations. Dr. McGrath explains that gut feelings usually feel like the opposite of anxiety because they don’t make you feel physical symptoms. He said that gut feelings will not make you feel “stressed” or “weird.”

Gut feeling vs anxiety

One common issue people face is thinking their anxiety is their gut feeling, when in reality it’s very different. NOCD community member @tamyra was having some trouble with distinguishing between the two concepts: “I’ve been thinking about my relationship with my girlfriend often. I feel like I don’t really love her like I should, but I am fully aware that these feelings are anxiety induced. I just can’t shake the fact that maybe my anxiety is really my gut telling me that I don’t love her at all.” If you have had similar thoughts, you know how mentally taxing this can be. 

However, it is important to note that anxiety and intuition are not the same thing. Another community member, @Wolfram explains the difference in their own words. “I feel as if anxiety/stress is in direct relation to disgust/discomfort and can make you feel nauseous. Sometimes, I think, as a result of the hormones being released. Gut feelings and instinct I feel are a bit more like a warning or sign that something is good or bad for you and can’t quite put your finger on it.”

This aligns with what Dr. McGrath has to say about distinguishing between the two. “In terms of going with your gut, if there’s a ‘what if’ but you have no actual proof behind it, it sounds more like an anxiety issue to me versus doing something because you have proof of it,” he explains.

If you find yourself repeatedly thinking “What if my partner is late to dinner because he was seeing someone else” or “What if my partner only says ‘I love you’ because they feel they have to,” that is probably relationship anxiety. A gut feeling is more like “I can just tell my partner actually loves me.”

Distinguishing between gut feelings and relationship anxiety can be difficult, but there is one way to tell them apart:

• Relationship anxiety is persistent and consuming, leading to high levels of distress and often taking over your mind. It often appears as ‘what if’ scenarios that spark negative emotions and fear. 
• Gut feelings usually provide a sense of certainty, even if you don’t understand why. They are powerful and can pop up out of the blue, but they are not persistent and all consuming like relationship anxiety. 

How to deal with relationship anxiety

Relationships are something that we cherish and love, so when we experience anxiety surrounding them, it can feel incredibly difficult and disheartening. It is important to take care of yourself and face your anxiety so you do not let it take away from your relationship with your partner. 

1. Seek treatment

If you’re experiencing relationship anxiety, the recommended treatment is exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP). ERP therapy will help you deal with your anxieties by safely and slowly exposing yourself to the thoughts, images, and situations that make you feel anxious. Over time, you’ll learn how to prevent your typical reaction, whether it’s avoidance, overthinking, or something else. The process helps you develop a new way to respond, instead of reinforcing your existing anxiety or fear.

Imagine you’re anxious that your partner will leave you, despite how much you love each other. In ERP, a therapist would help you confront this fear and sit with the discomfort of uncertainty. Over time, you’ll learn that it doesn’t have the power to affect you the way you once thought, helping you prevent it from spiraling and disrupting your day as it may have before.

ERP therapy is also the gold standard treatment for OCD. If you are experiencing relationship OCD, your therapist will utilize a similar strategy to help you deal with your intrusive thoughts about your relationship without performing compulsions.

2. Make lifestyle changes

Another way to help your relationship anxiety is making sure you take good care of your mind and body. “Sleep well, get good exercise, eat well, do everything that you can to keep yourself in the best health possible,” says Dr. McGrath. 

Anything affecting your general well-being, such as a lack of sleep, adds more pressure on your body to function, which can intensify feelings of anxiety.

3. Decide if you want to talk about your relationship anxiety to your partner or not

This is completely dependent on your individual situation. Dr. McGrath thinks if you’re working with a therapist and you’re doing well, progressing, and things seem to be moving along, great. “But,” he says, “if you find yourself being stuck and your partner is unwittingly giving you reassurance or other enabling behaviors, it may be best to fill them in so that they know what not to do anymore.” 

Bottom Line

A little bit of relationship anxiety is normal, but if you notice yourself getting caught up in all the “what if’s” and “maybes” instead of focusing on what’s actually happening, it can turn into a never-ending cycle of worry. It’s important to remember that your anxiety isn’t the same as your gut feeling. Anxiety doesn’t reflect what you truly feel or want; it’s just your brain creating scenarios you are afraid of. 

The good news is, you don’t have to stay stuck in that cycle. Working with an ERP therapist and taking small steps to recognize that anxiety doesn’t reflect reality can help you break free from that spiral. It may not happen overnight, but with time and practice, you’ll be able to feel more grounded and present in your relationships. And always remember—you’re not alone in this. Getting support is a great step toward finding peace, building stronger connections, and uplifting current ones.